To Write Love On Her Arms
by NiksFictions
Summary: "...felt the familiar sweet, stinging release as she slashed the blade against her wrist. She observes the small incision in awe as the redness begins to increase and the blood slowly trickles out in deep scarlet droplets..."


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Olivia felt the familiar sweet, stinging release as she slashed the blade against her wrist. She observes the small incision in awe as the redness begins to increase and the blood slowly trickles out in deep scarlet droplets. She inhales deeply as she feels the horrifying feeling inside her slowly drain out.

It was half past 3am, she just had her first flashback of her sexual assault in months. She sits there, still… on the cold floor of her bedroom. She leans her back against the wall… tears begin to streak down across her face. She folds her legs up and holds her knees to her as she flashes back to being violated every blink she takes. She picks up the blade, and cuts until all the images are gone, until she feels free of her attacker.

The tears stop flowing and she gets up off the floor and goes back to sleep, she tries to avoid her swollen, bleeding, stinging arm as she lies down.

The next morning Olivia took a shower and the guilt of cutting began to set in. Before getting in, she turned on the water then stripped down to her bra and panties. She looked at herself in the mirror. She could see her violently slashed arm in the reflection.

"What have I done to myself?" She thought aloud.

There were about 13 fresh, deep cuts with dried blood all over them. She was surprised she managed to avoid her vein while cutting. She ran a light finger over her cuts and lightly whimpered at the sting. She took off her remaining clothing, and stepped into the steamy hot shower. She lowered the water heat before letting the gentle stream hit her arm. The stinging was so awful she almost screamed out in pain. She began washing her arm with soap. She washed away all the dry blood and her arm felt numb from all the pain.

After she was done, she looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red and swollen, it was clear that she had been crying. She reached for her eye drops, bent her head back and tilted the small bottle upside down, the nozzle millimeters away from her pupil. Instinctively her eyes tightly slammed shut in response to the cold moisturizing drops.

She squirts a tiny droplet into the other eye. A small sigh of pain escaped her lips as the stinging drops began to take effect.

"Hey Liv." Elliot said walking in. Olivia arrived moments before him.

"Hey." She forced a light smile. Inside though, she felt awful. She felt the memory of last night lingering in the back of her mind like a blatant misplaced piece of furniture. It took all her strength not to burst into tears right then and there.

Elliot sensed the sorrow in her voice. He sat down in his desk, which was right in front of Olivia's.

He debated whether he should ask her what was wrong. That one word and the evident false smile was more than enough to convince him.

After a couple of minutes of pretending to review paperwork and contemplating on what to say, he decided to let it go for now. In the end it was none of his business and whether or not she wanted to talk about it was up to her.

Olivia sat at her desk, staring at her paperwork. She tried her best to work on it but her mind kept traveling off. Tears would momentarily flood her eyes before she blinked them away and returned back to reality.

After what Olivia felt to be forever, she decided she needed to cut again. If not she would end up crying in front of everyone. Olivia hated crying, she hated the feeling of being so vulnerable and weak. The last thing she needed was to let her colleagues see her sink.

She slid herself out from her desk and dashed over to the cribs. She moved so quickly, Elliot didn't even get a chance to ask where she was going. He just sat there, his mouth left agape and his mind full of question.

She found the door in the back of the cribs, which led to the roof. She had only been on the roof once or twice before when ever she just needed to be alone. She hurried up the stairs and wedged a rock on the top door to keep it open. The grey sky peered over her and she felt the blade in her pocket. The anticipation was tingling in the tips of her fingers.

Somehow Elliot knew exactly where she was going. He has never been up on the roof with her before, but he just knew.

Elliot too had spent his hardships on the roof. The day Kathy told him she was pregnant, he spent the rest of night up there to clear his head. The day Elliot told Olivia that Kathy was pregnant, she spent that night on the roof.

They shared a connection with each other that wasn't quite like any other. It's as if they are two prime numbers, they are so close but one composite number will always keep them apart. They are always so close to acting on their feelings for one another, but then something always gets in the way and screws up everything.

Olivia pulled her blade out of her pocket and violently pulled up her sleeve. The thought that this was a bad idea barely slipped her mind before she violently slashed a slit on the other arm. She hissed lightly. The pain swallowed the ugly feeling inside her. She inhaled the cool air surrounding her that smelled of moist New York rain.

Elliot pushed the door open, quietly but quickly. His eyes found her with a blade angled at her bloody wrist.

"Liv?" Was all he could make out in a whisper. He could hardly believe his eyes.

Olivia jerked her head up. Her spine stiffened and her hands became cold, she froze. The feeling of shock, embarrassment, and guilt hit her all at the same time.

"Liv, what the hell are you doing!"

Olivia shoved the blade down her pocket and rolled down her sleeve. It was no use, Elliot saw everything. She felt like a little girl who had just been caught stealing a cookie from the jar.

"Nothing El. Why the fuck are you up here?" She spat almost more harshly than she intended.

Ignoring her question, Elliot ran toward her.

He gripped her hand and was about to roll up her blood-soaked sleeve. Olivia yanked her arm back and held it to her chest.

"Don't touch me." She hissed.

Elliot could see that she was tense and he suddenly felt guilty for being so harsh. He cornered her.

"Liv, what's going on?" He asked, his voice was calm and gentle. He looked her in the eyes.

She avoided his gaze.

"Nothin…. I'm fine, El." She rushed passed him.

Elliot stopped her. He lightly gripped her shoulder and pulled her into his arms. Olivia melted into him.

Olivia loved the way he held her. They fit each other so perfectly.

Elliot inhaled her. He could smell her scent of warm vanilla and sandalwood.

She pulled her face back and looked into his eyes. They were full of concern.

He took hold of her hand and raised it slightly.

"Why are you doing this?"

Olivia shook her head, she felt tears begin burn her eyes and a hard lump had formed in her throat.

Elliot stroked his thumb on her hand.

"I got upset." She lied. She didn't want to explain what happened at Sealview.

"About what?"

"El, can we please not do this right now?"

He sighed.

"Okay."

He looked down at her wrist. He gently pulled her sleeve up. There he saw the one bloody, red slit that she just did and a few scars in dark lines from previous cuts.

"What about the other one." He was referring to her other wrist.

Olivia remained silent.

He picked up her arm and slowly rolled up her sleeve. The image of all the deep, red, swollen slashes made his knees wobble. Elliot could hardly believe what he was seeing.

Olivia looked away to avoid his reaction.

"Liv, you need to stop this…"

Olivia looked down.

"Please, I know it's hard, but the next time you feel like doing this, just call me okay? Anytime even at night, just call."

"I'm always here." He cradled the side of her face and gently gripped her hair in between his fingers.

She looked up into his eyes. She felt her breath shorten and every heart beat felt like hammer banging on the inside of her ribcage.

_Thank u SO much for reading(:_

_TBC fsho(: But it will take a while. I just turned fourteen last month and these kind of stories take me FOREVER to write because I try to pour my soul into them(: haha. Pretty please review(:_

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